


Crash

by Falling_from_hell



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Ed loves his little Irish cream, Everyone wants to protect Niall, Fluff, Heartbreak, I Tried, It's not really that sad, M/M, Niall loves his red head, Niall!centric, No Smut, Protective Harry, Protective Liam, Protective Louis, Protective Zayn, Sad, Sad Niall, There will be typos, because I no do that, niall is lonely, self hatred, tags will change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2018-02-06
Packaged: 2018-10-30 11:00:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,775
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10875393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Falling_from_hell/pseuds/Falling_from_hell
Summary: Niall isn't sure how it happened exactly.But here he is, sitting alone on one side of the room believing that it's best like this.And on the other side of the room his bandmates are wondering how to convince Niall that it's not.





	1. Chapter 1

Niall vaguely starts to wonder why he's here.

It's midnight, it smells like booze, and he's beginning to regret every life choice he's ever made. The Irish would happily go home if this weren't his party. Apparently it's frowned upon for the birthday boy to leave the celebration, even though Niall's convinced that over half these people wouldn't even notice, too wrapped up in the dancing and alcohol.

The point is, he wants to leave right now, go back to his hotel room, and sleep away all the hugs these people keep giving him.

The night absolutely blows and, no, it wasn't the plethora of drunk celebrities around him, or even the collection of painfully sober people who kept trying to give him advice about his music career.  
It was the fact that even with the mass of people that attended, the only people he'd actually cared to celebrate with didn't.

And who might that be, you ask. Well, if you had guessed his lovely bandmates then you would be correct.

To be honest with himself, Niall isn’t actually surprised that they didn't come. Albeit sad and upset, but not surprised. Ever since the the four started dating a month or two ago things have been a bit... off.

It had been a weird pocket between performances and interviews when Niall had first had an inkling of their relationship. A touch too long here, a hug too close there. Sometimes he wonders how he hadn't noticed sooner.

A part of him wants to know why they hadn't simply come out and told him, why they bothered tiptoeing around their infatuation with each other for months. But then, another, perhaps larger piece of him wonders why he wasn't a part of it. Maybe he was just destined to be alone or something else poetic that lonely people say to make themselves feel better.

Niall doesn’t think it’s fair to say that they exclude him- he's the one who gives them space more often then not anyway. 

They'll invite him over for movie nights or bring him out drinking, but he always gets this feeling that they act too on edge with him around. Like they're still worried what he thinks of them.

Whether it's him or them, Niall hates that there is a sort of tension, so he opts to decline their offers when he can, knowing that they'll probably have more fun without him, anyway.

But, tonight he'd been looking forward to hanging out with them.

He wasn't entirely sure where they were, because they had promised to come, and really it shouldn't even bother him that much. It's not as if he's their top priority, and he knows that. It's just, they're his best friends and it feels rather empty even with all of the guests who had bothered to show up.

Niall sighs and swirls his drink, glancing around the dark club. Everyone else looks to be having a fantastic time, so at least there's that. People are chatting, drinking, dancing. Some of the younger guests have started some sort of squabble by the bar that will probably screw with their management, but that’s not his business.

Ed had even come. Niall can see the red head from here. His hair is like a beacon, after all. And that almost makes the blond a little bit sadder. Not the hair, obviously, but the fact that even his "best friend with benefits" had come and not his fucking band mates.

It was fine though.

At any rate- he glances at his watch- in maybe an hour or two this whole disaster will be over and he can go relax in his own room.

After chatting mindlessly with some of the guests Ed actually does come over to him with some sort of sad puppy look on his face. Niall would tell the other off for using Liam's signature look, but he doesn't really have it in him.

"So, they didn't come, did they?" The redhead asks and all Niall can do is shake his head and stare down at his drink. "They didn’t miss this on purpose, Niall. You know that.”

Niall shrugs, despite the truth that rings with the statement. "I know, but that's not really the point, is it?"

Ed clicks his tongue and hums in thought before plucking the nearly empty cup from Niall's hands and sliding it down the counter, ice clinking around the glass as it goes. Niall's about to protest and go after the drink when Ed stops him.

"If they're not here in fifteen minutes you and I are leaving because I can’t very well leave you here with that damn look on your face," he huffs out and there's absolutely no room for Niall to protest, so he does the only thing he can and agrees.

"Alright mate, whatever you say," the blond shrugs. The two of them slip onto the bar stools and when they both keep their eyes trained on the doorway, no one says anything.

As it turns out, the boys don't miraculously show up with apologies, so Ed pushes Niall off his chair and into the crowd to say his goodbyes. The Irishman shuffles his way through the ocean of people as he tries to get everyone of importance. He hits up with James Cordon who gives him a pat on the back and promises to knock some sense into the boys if they show up later.

With a look of entertainment Niall climbs up onto one of the tables shouting until everyone turns to face him.

"I just wanted to say thank you so much for coming. I've had a fantastic time with all of you. Not to mention you're free to stay as long as you want, and all the drinks are on me." Most of the guests raise their glasses at that and cheer. "Anyway, here's to another great year of music, friends, and one direction!" The crowd breaks out into applause and Niall feels a little better.

With that, he steps down from the table and shakes hands with far too many people. He does make sure to hit the necessary people, catching Josh, Dan, and the lot on his way out as well.

It's a good ten minutes before he actually makes it out with Ed, promising James a text by the mor.

When they're both in Ed's car Niall starts to wonder what they're going to do. After all, nights can be unpredictable with the fiery haired lad in the lead. In the end they agree that the first order of business is to stop for nandos because it's still Niall's birthday and he wants a chicken wrap, damnit.

Once Niall is sated with his food in the back seat they are taken back to Ed's flat. Niall had actually forgotten that his friend had a place here in London, not far from one of his own. He follows Ed who leads the way into the elevator and then down the hall to his room. It's a massive apartment; practically takes up the whole floor, but that was probably the point, Niall thinks. At any rate, the couch is looking particularly soft and he goes to collapse on it while Ed moves to the kitchen.

He can hear the lad bustling around with the cupboards and he rolls over, pulling out his phone. There aren’t any texts from the boys or Cordo saying that they had shown up, so Niall shuts the mobile off and tosses it onto the armchair across the room.

"Oi! Get your shoes off my sofa," Ed says, nudging Niall's feet off of the couch as he sits down, passing the other a beer.

They sip at the drinks and Ed flips through the channels on his flat screen seeing as things are going to be sort of low for a while since Niall's pissed and pouting that his boys never even called.

It's just gotten to greased lightning when Niall notices Ed is more focused on him than the movie.

"Are you psychoanalyzing me or summat?" He asks, raising an eyebrow at the other man.

"Nah, just waiting for you to quit brooding," Ed chuckles at him to which Niall only frowns. "You know, those lads of yours are right, you do look like a little kid who's just been scolded.”

Niall groans. "Oh, piss off mate."

The two fall easily into conversation after that and Niall feels that perhaps the night wasn't a total bust.

////////////////////////////////////////

By morning, light is flooding through the drapes and Niall doesn't want to welcome the day. He'll never be able to fall back asleep, though. Once he's awake, he's awake for good.

Letting out a groan he rolls over to see if Ed's awake and finds the other lad propped up on a pillow.

"This-" Ed motioned between the two of them as they lay on top of the covers. "-is exactly what friends with benefits are.”

Niall rolls his eyes and buries his face under a stray pillow. "Yes, _Edward_. I'm well aware what friends with benefits are," he growls out. "You do not need to keep reminding me."

The other laughs. "Only trying to help you out, mate," he says, to which Niall only shakes his head in response. It wasn't a strange thing, this petty banter with his occasional hookup and long time friend.

"How does this even work?" Niall questions, pulling his head out from under the pillow. "You and me, I mean. This sort of thing usually doesn't last as long as this, right?"

Ed gives him a sort of "what the hell?" look. As much as the adorable man can have, anyway, but he does give an answer. "Don't know, Niall. I suppose that's just us," He shrugs. "Don't ask hard questions the morning after until you've fed me."

"Who the fuck says I have to cook breakfast?" Niall sends a glare at the other. He distinctly remembers that it was Ed's turn to make them tea.

"Well," Ed starts as he gets up to slip some pants on. "We're at my flat, so that means you have to cook," he argues. Niall follows the ginger down he hall, stepping into his boxers on the way.

"Excuse me, sir, but that's bullshit. If anyone should cook, it should be you," he grumbles out.

They reach the kitchen and Niall ends up making them breakfast seeing as Ed is a diva and promises he will next time. Niall doesn't believe him one bit.

He's cooking eggs while Ed flips through the tabloids on his phone. "Turns out your party was a big hit," the redhead tells him, showing him an article about the venue and guest list or something like that.

"At least someone enjoyed it," he laughs half heartedly. "Hey, go grab my phone from the living room for me, Ed. Think I tossed it in the arm chair."

Ed grumbles something about not being his servant, but when Niall threatens to throw breakfast out of the window the ginger moves pretty quickly.

As Ed settles back into his chair Niall opens up his phone. There's a text from James, a text from Paul, and a plethora of missed calls and texts all from Harry, Louis, Liam, and Zayn. It seems as if they did remember about his birthday. A little bit late, but thats fine. He brushes past Paul's text, knowing its just some management thing and opens up the text from James first.

From Cordo 8:23  
_Caught up with your boys last night. Don't worry, I talked some sense into them._

Thats all it says and Niall smiles at the thought of his band mates getting a talk from the one and only James Cordon. He types back a quick thanks and then pockets the phone. Whatever the boys have to say can wait until after breakfast at least.


	2. Chapter 2

It isn’t until late morning when Ed gets that look of his again and Niall knows his friend is about to ask something that he probably doesn't want to answer. 

The blond sets his mobile down onto the table and returns a mock gaze towards Ed. "Go on then. Ask already," he urges, leaning down onto the table.

Ed almost looks like he's going to drop whatever he'd planned on saying, but Niall could never be so lucky. "You ever gonna tell them?" The ginger finally asks, setting his own phone down to watch Niall carefully.

"Tell who, what?" Niall hums listlessly, though he knows exactly what the redhead means.

Ed rolls his eyes at the Irish lad. "Here, I'll rephrase: are you, Niall Horan, ever going to inform the other four members of One Direction that you are utterly, and completely in love with them?"

Niall flinches at the openness of the question, though he knows no one is around to hear the revelation.

"Ok, two things, mate. First, I am not in love with them. And second, you have got to lay off." He glares unblinking into Ed's eyes as the other scoffs.

Silence falls over the two and Ed is staring at Niall like the blond is supposed to say something else. Probably something that has to do with love, but that's bullshit, so instead they continue their unspoken staring match.

Except Niall has never really been one to appreciate the beauty of silence and he quickly grows tired of the awkward pocket in their morning. The Irish frowns and flicks his hand at the other. "Quit you're staring. 'S getting creepy, mate."

Ed sighs something ridiculous and leans backwards into his chair. "One day the lot of you are going to wake up and realize that they need you and you need them," he pauses to shake his head. "Until then, I'm stuck here watching those four idiots trip around you like some horrible dance group."

Niall lets out a laugh at that, despite the situation. "Yeah, well, that is our only rule in One Direction. No dancing," he chuckles fondly, thinking back to one of the earliest days, when Louis had announced that there ought to be no dancing seeing as they were all rubbish anyway.

Ed lets out a small laugh of his own before the serious expression reappears on his face. "In all honesty Niall, are you ever going to tell them?" He asks, a sort of depressing tone flowing out.

Niall looks down at the floor wishing it held the answers he was looking for.  
"I don't know," he sighs. "I just-... I don't know, Ed. They didn't even tell me that they were together, you know? And that fucking hurts. How could they not tell me something that huge?"

Ed nods softly and gazes at the other, silently urging him to keep going.

Niall sighs and crosses his arms onto the table, resting his chin on them. "I think they're best without me, anyway. Wouldn't want to weigh them down, or summat," he says so quietly that Ed barely hears the whispered statement.

The younger boy has an utterly broken look on his face as he picks at the wooden table. It's a stark contrast to the normally cheery Irish lad. Ed watches in silence, pondering for a minute before standing up and stretching his arm out to the other who raises his head in question.

Ed rolls his eyes and emphasizes his outstretched hand once more. "We are going to have a shower and then we're having hot coco," he says in a serious tone, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Niall can't help but smile and take the offered hand.

Yeah.

Friends with benefits are the best.

///////////////////////////////////////

Eventually Niall does have to bid his farewell to Ed and return to reality as much as he would rather lay on the couch and watch glee re-runs with the ginger lad.

Paul sends a car to get him around eleven and Niall soon finds himself carted into the travel trailer with London disappearing in the horizon.

He'd actually managed to steer clear of the other lads when getting on the trailer, purposely arriving a bit early so that he could be packed and hopefully asleep by the time the others joined him. But, as it turns out, you cannot avoid people very easily while on a bus that isn't scheduled to stop for 8 more hours.

Luckily, he does manage to sleep away the first bit, but then Louis is climbing into his bunk, begging him to play Fifa. And, well, Niall has never been able to say no to those sparkling, blue eyes, so he finds himself sluggishly crawling out of bed and after the shorter boy who is cheering his way down the hall.

The others are already there, piled onto a couch in some sort of cuddle mass. They do have the decency to look guilty as Niall comes in with Louis, the blond plopping down onto the floor, not too keen on sharing a couch with them. Niall can practically feel the tension crawling up the back of his neck and rolls his eyes. He's going to have to hit the nail on the head sooner or later. Might as well be now, right?

"It's ok, you know," he says softly, drawing all the eyes onto him. "That you didn't come, I mean. Wasn't even that great to be honest," he glances at Louis who's still got the game case in his hand and is looking extremely guilty.

They all look like they want to say something, but it's Zayn who cuts in first. "Niall we feel awful, but we didn't forget or anything. Something came up and we-,"

Niall cuts him off, shaking his head. "No, it's fine. You don't have to, like, apologize and shit," he mumbles out. "Things happen." He's not sure if he doesn't want to hear their excuse because anything that was more important than him is going to break his heart, or if he just wants to spare the lads if they really do have to make something up.

It doesn't matter much, as Zayn clamps his mouth shut, and that's the end of it.  
The expression on Louis' face tells Niall that the older lad would really like to say something and he can only assume that Liam and Harry are biting their tongues as well. 

No one mentions it.

Niall does, however, find it extremely awkward having Harry, Zayn, and Liam staring at the back of his head- because that's definitely what they're doing- but it's even worse to think that they're probably watching him with that sad, concerned look which seems to be specifically reserved for him. He’s not even really mad at them anymore. In all honesty he's more upset at himself for making them feel like they had some obligation to come. He never wanted them to feel like they had to spend time with him.

And that's all bit twisted, isn't it? _He_ feels guilty that they missed his birthday party?

That's... well, a bit rubbish, to be honest, but he's always been a hopeless people pleaser.

Soon enough, Louis is passing him a controller and Niall gratefully accepts the distraction, pitting all his focus on knocking Louis from his position as ranking Fifa champion. Just cause you're in love with someone doesn't mean you let them win, after all.

Niall was correct about the staring though. Harry, Zayn, and Liam are, in fact, watching the back of his head with concern painted across their faces.

Harry wants to give the blond a hug more than anything. They’ve always been a rather touchy kind of group and the curly haired lad longs to wrap Niall up in his arms. There was a time when he would've done just that. Harry starts to wonder how it came to this between them, how it all went so wrong.

Part of the reason is simply the way that Niall is, the way he's always been. Self sacrificing and determined to fit in no matter what. The lad is far too worried about rejection to push against the grain, or to say what he needs or how he feels.

From the beginning they had all noticed that about the blond boy. How Niall was always energetic and ready to do whatever was asked of them, but more because he was afraid of letting people down and not because he really wanted to.

That’s all beside the point, really. Because it's not specifically anyone's fault; definitely not Niall's.

The point is that Niall hadn't been there.  
He hadn't been with them. It was an off week. No shows, no interviews, just a few days where they could sit down and have a cup of tea. They'd originally planned on just staying together, but Niall ended up needing to head back to Ireland, saying that there were some things he had to sort out with his mother.

The rest of the band ended up lounging out at Harry's house until Niall came back the following week, where they'd meet up with him at the next hotel.

It was late. Louis had deemed it a "bonding sort of night" and when Louis gets an idea into his head there's not much anyone can do, so they'd gathered some beers and spent some time just chatting about anything but music.

And then Louis had kissed Zayn. That was how it started. One second Louis had been on the couch and the next he was on Zayn's lap, pressing their lips together. No one will ever understand why he'd chosen right then, not even Louis himself, but that was that.

At first they tried to pretend that nothing had really happened, but it got harder to harbor their feelings now that they were all out in the open. They often caught themselves sitting closer to each other and then scooting themselves away, only to steadily gravitate till their legs were touching again. Sometimes Zayn would plant himself in between Louis and Liam or Harry would unknowingly reach for Liam's hand.

Niall definitely wasn't stupid, but he hadn't picked up on it right away either. The band had always been a rather touchy feely group anyway.

It was a designated movie night when Niall first thought that something had changed. They'd all piled into Liam's hotel room and Niall was leaning up against what he thought must have been Liam's suitcase, seeing as this was his room, but when he had gotten up to grab a drink he noticed three more suitcases laying in the corner of the room.

He knew for a fact that Liam only uses one suitcase because, like Niall, he prefers to carry the rest of his things in a backpack. So, it was a bit peculiar that there were four cases in his room.  
It wasn’t really any of Niall's business though, so he hadn't said anything, deciding to leave it alone for the time being. He also hadn't mentioned it when he was the only one to leave that night.

There were other things, too.

Niall had gradually noticed that Louis had been needing much more contact with the other boys and at first he didn’t pay it much mind. He still feels as if Louis is entitled to do that sort of thing.

But when Niall was having a chat with Zayn and the eldest boy had come along to wrap his arm around the dark haired boys waist, thats much different. At first, Niall had tried not to think about it much and it really might not have been so terribly obvious if Louis had quickly released the taller boy, but he had simply left the hand there throughout the rest of their conversation.

It was small things like those that built up until it seemed like they’d all come to some sort of silent agreement. Niall really didn’t feel like he'd agreed, but he always tended to ignore that piece of himself anyway.

There's a jolt of the bus that draws everyone's attention back to the present and Niall realizes that he's actually losing the match to Louis quite terribly. He's also hyper aware of the stares that are still focused on him. The blond wants to ask if they've found anything worth looking at, but doesn't. He simply adds it to the list of things he's never going to say. It's right up there with "why didn't you want me?"

Eventually, Louis is leading Niall by a good three points and the blond groans, passing the remote behind him, claiming that he needs help. Harry quickly takes the remote from Niall's cold fingers, his own warm ones a stark contrast.

"I gotcha, Ni," he says softly. It's quieter (and sweeter?) than Niall would deem normal, but he doesn't really find it in himself to care at the moment.

Soon enough they've all rotated seats and Niall finds himself up on the couch next to Liam with Louis on the floor by his legs. Zayn is sprawled out next to Louis and Harry is very happily stretched across the back of the couch behind Liam and Niall's heads.

Niall wonders how Harry finds himself in these weird spots, but the lad looks happy enough, so he leaves it alone.

Their Fifa tournament is momentarily disrupted when the trailer lurches to a stop and Harry gets tossed behind the couch. They all have a good laugh while Liam tries to help the curly lad out of his predicament. Unfortunately for Harry the trailer quickly starts moving again and the rest of them are tossed onto the floor, having been unprepared for the sudden movement.

Niall can't really tell who's who anymore as they've all become some sort of jumbled mess of limbs, but he can still hear Harry groaning from his spot behind the couch and he gets up from the giggling mass to help the poor boy.

By the time he gets Harry out from where he'd been jammed, the three other boys are still on the floor. Only, now Louis is on top of Liam kissing him like it's the end of the world. Zayn is off to the side of them, propped up on his arm, his eyes flicking between people like he's trying to figure out who he can kiss.

Niall stops where he’d been reaching to steady Harry, eyes falling naturally to the floor. He shuffles awkwardly on his toes, obviously not content with watching his friends make out. He would've turned to try and leave, but Harry is still right behind him. Niall can feel the other lad inch a little bit closer to him, a warm presence against his back and the blond can't tell if he's turned on, or just scared.

The situation is all too uncomfortable for someone as awkward as Niall, who is trying to look at anything other than what he wants to. He fixes his eyes on his shoe laces instead, really wishing that the silence could be filled with something other than the sound of Louis and Liam making out.

He's just about to excuse himself, effectively backing into Harry when Zayn pokes his foot at the two boys.

"Thats enough, you idiots," he says playfully, but Niall can clearly hear the warning in his tone.

It isn't until Louis and Liam break apart that he actually wants to die because now Louis is gazing at him with those piercing blue eyes that look like they're staring straight into his soul. Louis shouldn't be allowed to look at him like that. It makes Niall feels rather violated in a way that he really doesn't understand.

He shifts uncomfortably under the gaze clearing his throat and quickly stepping away from Harry. He misses the warmth that the other provided and the younger boy looks torn, but he doesn't say a word, so Niall just skirts around him and flicks his eyes away from Harry's green ones.

Niall had thought it was awkward before, but it's so much worse now that there's no distraction and apparently he's become the most interesting thing in the room, because everyone is staring at him. He wishes that he could just walk out and go hide in his bunk, but he feels that it's a bit late to leave now. 

"We should get food."

He doesn't know why, but thats what he says and it's definitely a Niall sort of thing to say, so he feels a little less stupid about it.

No one really moves at first and Niall tries to focus the rest of his energy on burning a hole in the carpet so that the ground will swallow him up. Of course, this is the real world we're talking about, so, much to the dismay of the blond, the ground does not obey his ill directed thoughts. 

Liam is the first to react, wanting to ease the tension off of Niall the best he can, now that he's really taken a look at the lad. The poor boy looks like he's about to run off, so Liam carefully rolls Louis off and moves towards Niall, slinging an arm around him as casually as he can.

"Yeah, Ni, that sounds good. Lets give Paul a call," he says gently and the two start off towards the kitchen, Liam asking Niall what he wants to eat

The other three members are still standing frozen in the lounge, passing unspoken gazes at each other. All thinking the same thing, though no one wants to say it out loud.

How had it come to this?


	3. Chapter 3

"It won't kill you."

That's what they say about heartbreak, but Niall had googled that shit months ago and you can, in fact, die from heartbreak. Apparently, if your body undergoes enough stress or emotional trauma it can cause heart failure, which, news flash, leads to death.

Niall doubts that that would ever happen to him, but some days he nearly wishes it would. Like on the days where lungs burn like he's downed a bottle of whiskey and when he chokes on his words like he's breathing in flower petals.

On days like those, he wishes that he could go out back somewhere and have a smoke with Zayn. Little shit carries around the good stuff. Grade-a "creative weed" he'd been told, but alas, he was never really one to enjoy the taste it left.

He never goes for the liquor either, knowing to leave the binge drinking well enough alone no matter how much he would like to just down it and forget. Bad for publicity too, he knows.

And you can't really spend late nights out in his line of work, either. You'll get surrounded by fans if you're in the wrong area and he'd rather not have his claustrophobia flare up if he can help it. He's been doing good about that lately.

So, really, there aren't many self destructive things that are permitted when you're an extremely sought after pop star.

The only thing he has left to do is trail after the ones he loves.

And that stings worse than anything Niall's ever felt.

To know what love is, but never to have it creates a pit of muddled feelings and unspoken words. The hole in your heart gets deeper and wider as time goes on until you can't help but stumble into it. After all, perhaps a piece of you hopes that the fall will kill you.

Unfortunately for Niall, the fall had only made him want them even more.

He'd crashed hard into the marble flooring that met him at the bottom and it made him realize why they call it falling in love. It makes you feel alive with the adrenaline running right through you. It feels like the greatest high in the world even if no one catches you by the end of it all.

They must have been too busy catching each other, Niall thinks.

Once you've finished your descent you have to pick up your broken bones and pretend that nothing happened; that you're fine. You have to ignore everything that you feel and instead you're forced to listen to the voice that whispers all the reasons why it didn't end like a fairy tale.

Niall does try to ignore the little voice that tells him he wasn't good enough, that they would never want someone like him, but in the end it's always too loud. He thinks that it must speak the truth sometimes, anyway. After all, each of them were so perfect in every way that he understands why they wouldn't want someone like him around.

He might be too scared to ruin something so perfectly poetic in the end, anyway.

"It wont kill you."

That's what they say about heartbreak, but the way Liam is looking at him right now really makes Niall think differently.

Liam had puppy dog eyes that could make angels fall and Niall has always known it. It's just that he's never experienced them full force like this. He wishes there was some distraction he could bring up that would falter the gaze, but they'd already ordered lunch and no one seemed like they were going to come out of the den and save him.

Any, and all words that Niall tried to form simply died in his throat and the two sit in silence, Liam's eyes studying Niall cautiously.

Not surprisingly, it really is an extremely awkward silence, Niall decides, when two people you're in love with have just snogged and now one of them is sitting across the table from you.

He's actually decently proud of the facade he's managed to hold since Liam had ordered lunch and sat him down at the table. On the other hand, he's really not proud of the way he reacted to Louis and Liam kissing.

That's not normally how people react when they're supposed to be happy for their friends.

He is though.

Happy for them, that is.

He's just... not?

When Niall catches Liam's worried gaze he tries to focus all of his energy on melting into the seat, but, as we’ve see, this is the real world and things like that never happen. He sighs and gives up on that idea, preferring to slide out of his seat to leave. Liam looks like he wants to say something more, but Niall turns around and heads off quickly, knowing he'll be guilted into staying if he lets that man look at him with those damn eyes.

The blond snatches his phone up and climbs into the bunk, pulling the curtain over the opening in an attempt to hide himself, though he knows that the flimsy curtain would do little to hinder a group of determined boys.

That might have bothered Niall before he met the boys when he'd been a more reserved person than he is now. Though, if he wanted to stay secluded he probably shouldn't have auditioned for x-factor.

Not that he regrets it. Never. It's just that he needs a little space when he's tired or rundown.

For now, at least, he has solace.

Running a hand through his hair, Niall knows he's got to either never be with them, or he needs to get used to seeing them kiss without having to leave the room. Seeing as they are in an international boy band that spends nearly all of their time together, he thinks that he'd better get used to seeing them kiss.

Which doesn't make sense because they really do spend all of their time together, meaning Niall should have seen them make out loads by now, but he hasn't. That seems a bit odd, but then again, they hadn't told him about their relationship until long after it had started, so perhaps they still haven't grown accustomed to kissing in front of him.

However, Liam and Louis had seemed perfectly alright ten minutes ago.

Niall is just utterly lost as to what is happening anymore. It's too much to think about and he groans, falling back into his pillow, or rather, a pile of everyone's pillows. He'd stolen all of them off of the bunks for his nap earlier and no one has called him out yet, so he's keeping them.

Unlocking his phone and putting his headphones in, he thinks that he should probably not waste time on social media, but he proceeds to put on some 80's rock and spends an extremely unhealthy amount of time on twitter doing literally nothing anyway.

It's getting him through the day and that's all he really wants.

He's gotten into the habit of googling the boys to see what obscure things he can find out about them. He feels like it's a Harry sort of day and quickly types "Harry Styles" into the search bar.

There isn't much that he hasn't read, to be honest. Most of it is only concerned with who the curly haired boy might be fucking. The articles may or may not mention Louis, but that's none of his business.

He finally settles on an article about Harry's life before x-factor and though Niall knows most of it already, he breezes through the tabloid anyway.

His relief is short lived when he hears someone coming down the hallway. A small, small piece of him wants to pretend to be sleeping, but he decides it's not worth it in the end. So, he simply shrinks back into his cocoon of pillows and prays that whoever it is will forget whatever they were planing on saying.

"Ni?" The smooth Bradford accent flows through his ears like honey.

Of course it's Zayn which makes this situation so much worse because Niall has only ever met one person who can physically ignore the dark haired lad, and that person is Liam. Niall likes to think that it's the power of puppy dog eyes that can challenge Zany's charm that the girls go wild over.

"Niall?" Zayn calls again, making said boy flinch at the pure hesitance in the voice and hastily poke his head out of the curtain.

The bright light streaming in through the sunroof blinds him and he blinks rapidly as the light floods into his small, dark alcove.

"Yeah, Zayn?" He questions, rubbing at his eyes and then peering down the corridor at the tall, dark haired lad who's still standing near the doorway.

Zayn takes a few small steps forward to close the distance before telling Niall that Paul's just brought the tea by.

"You should really eat, Ni," he mumbles softly. It's probably true, Niall thinks to himself.

He really hasn't been eating up to par lately, but he doesn't think that it's necessarily a bad thing seeing as he's always eaten too much anyway. However, he decides that today has already gone to shit and shrugs, slipping from his bunk, however much he wishes he could simple die lonely and sad buried in the fluffy, white pillows that he'd commandeered.

Zayn smiles brightly when Niall concedes his resolve and shuffles down the hallway a few steps ahead of Zayn, who's too busy being excited that Niall is going to eat to shoo the other boys out of the room, so Niall ends up awkwardly skirting around them towards his designated chair.

He thinks it's kind of strange that they each sit in the same chair every time, but it's nice to have a little routine in their lives even if it's something as silly as seats at the dining table.

The rest of the boys are already eating, Harry's got a salad that Liam keeps stealing tomatoes off of and Louis has a sandwich. Zayn takes his own seat next to Niall and digs around in the bag, pulling out some chicken and a salad. He slides the two towards Niall before going to retrieve his own lunch from the pack.

Niall picks at the salad, happily giving Liam his cherry tomatoes when the lad asks for them. Louis also ends up eating half of his chicken as well, claiming that it was organic, free range and he wanted to know if it tasted happy.

He's grateful for the normality that he can fall into with them, even after such an awkward situation.

Sometimes the blond wonders if it will always be like this. Always be weird situations that clash, and then everyone pretending that it wasn't as bad as it actually was.

He's not sure if that bothers him or not, to be honest.

As Niall is flicking around through his salad someone taps him on the shoulder and he nearly launches a piece of lettuce at Zayn having been startled.

He picks his head up and turns to his right, focusing his eyes on Louis who still has his hand stretched towards him.

"Did you want more chicken, Lou?" He asks, grinning softly at the other lad, completely putting what happened before behind him.

Louis laughs a little and shakes his head. "No. Paul just said that we'd be at the venue in half an hour, so you and I can ditch these losers and steal some mugs, Ni," he says, mischief sparkling in his eyes.

Niall can't help but chuckle at the childlike excitement that Louis always has when they get to a new venue.

"Course we can," he nods along as Louis rambles on about what they're going to do while Harry has his beauty sleep and Liam and Zayn do boring, productive things.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

True to his word, Louis happily drags Niall around by the hand for two hours before the show. Louis is pretty sure that he's trying to overcompensate for the the sad look that the poor blond has been wearing.

Louis loves that boy, after all.

Eventually Niall has an armful of mugs with various labels, and Louis is skidding around on his skateboard a few feet ahead of him.

"Ni, set the mugs down and come here," Louis calls down the corridor, voice echoing off the cement floor.

Niall is precariously balancing a red Manchester mug on his left arm, but he manages to get them all down without breaking any. He may or may not have chipped one of the black ones, but no ones asking.

He cautiously heads towards Louis who's got one foot on the board to hold it steady while he beckons Niall closer.

"C'mon, Irish. I'm going to teach you how to ride my board," he says looking entirely too adorable. Nevertheless, Niall frowns at him and stops his advance.

"Is this going to end like that time you tried to teach Zayn?" He asks warily.

A while back, Louis had been dying to teach Zayn to use the skateboard, to which the younger boy agreed. Not a good call in the end, as he ended up with a swollen ankle and a bloody nose.

Louis puts his hand on his heart and feigns a hurt look. "I am appalled that you would even think that, Niall," he scolds. "Besides, you have much better balance then my Zaynie."

Niall scoffs, but concedes if only out of curiosity. And maybe a little bit because Louis just looks so hopeful.

As it turns out, he really doesn't have much better balance than Zayn- at least he's a considerable amount better than Harry- and he'd nearly given up after the first minute, but Louis had told him that he needed this skill to be able to deliver the lucky charms to all the kids on St. Patrick's Day.

Unfortunately the damn pep talk worked and he found himself gripping Louis' shoulders tightly as the other steadied him while they slowly rolled their way down the pavement.

He couldn't let the kids down, after all.

After a bit he's getting a little better at it, so Louis tries to let go and he rolls on his own for half a second before his foot catches and he immediately latches back onto the other, his face coming quite near to Louis', but we won't talk about the way he blushed and Louis leaned a little closer.

Niall clears his throats and steps off the skateboard, letting go of Louis as much as he'd like to hold the other forever.

"My knee, Lou," he says, hoping that will be enough for the lad to let him go.

The darker haired seems hesitant, like he wants to make Niall stay, but in the end he shrugs defeatedly, a light going out in his eyes and Niall doesn't know why.

They trudge back to the dressing rooms in silence and Niall feels horrible for having destroyed the mood. He really was having a fantastic time with Louis. He'd missed being with the lad.

They make it back to the dressing rooms and Niall drops all of the mugs on the couch while Louis makes to sit on Liam's lap which doesn't make Niall jealous at all. But still, he finds himself far too distracted watching Liam run his hands through Louis' hair to be bothered with what Paul is saying to him. He's pretty sure that he's just being scolded for disappearing right before the show again, but it's nothing he hasn't done before.

Pretty soon they're all rushed to get ready and before Niall knows it he's marching behind Harry through the opening and onto the stage to the intro of 'clouds'.

Sometimes Niall forgets what it feels like to be on stage, but it always hits him full force In the chest as soon as he takes the first step.

He's reminded that he lives for this feeling. It's what keeps Niall going through the day.

The loud screams of the fans and the rumbling of the baseline that beats with his heart and shakes his bones. The music that blasts out of the speakers and the amps, filling the stadium and mingling with his lungs as he breathes it all in.

All of this has become a part of him. It's the best part, he thinks. The passionate part that will never ever stop singing and moving with the beat. The part of him that belongs on the stage with his boys.

Sometimes it makes his hands shake and his head hurt, but it's worth it. All of the pain is worth what he feels right now.

The feeling of being alive.

He is one of the lucky few who get to find their passion; the one thing that makes you feel alive like nothing else.

This feeling is what keeps him going.

And if later that night he watches his bandmates disappear into the same hotel room while he goes to his alone, well, he'll figure out how to smile by the time the sun rises again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was written really fast, but I tried. Comments always appreciated!! 
> 
> (Also, something got messed up, so one of the chapters might repeat, but I couldn't get rid of it, so ignore it if it's there. Sorry, guys.)
> 
> Xxx


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter isn't the best because I'm dead tired, but I wanted to get something out.
> 
> Xxx

It's the day after the show and while Niall usually loathes the chaos of a busy day, today he finds it almost settling. It gives him the perfect escape from any forlorn gazes or interrogations about the bus ride yesterday.

He can easily tell that the boys are still tiptoeing around because of him. They have been ever since he took a step out of his bunk last night.

He chooses to shrug it off for the day and act as normal as possible.

They'd had breakfast- well, the other boys had breakfast. Niall just sort of watched some sugary cereal float around his bowl before dumping it out. Harry had shot him a concerned glance before offering up one of his strawberries, which Niall had no choice but to accept because you should try to deny Harry Styles.

After that they'd been carted off to some interviews and promo. Niall had gone with Liam to do a radio while the other three had gone to another video interview. Somehow he managed to avoid Liam until they were actually sitting down by their mics, but of course the lad couldn't exactly question him on live broadcast.

The rest of the day had gone by in a rapid blur of hair gel and snobby interviewers and everyone is grateful that it's over.

Except for Niall.

Because, while his body finds it taxing and draining, his mind prefers the days where he doesn't have time to stop and think about what he doesn't want to. Nights always seem to provide his thoughts far too much freedom to roam where he wishes it wouldn't.

Paul sends them a car back to the hotel and they manage to get inside without too many complications. Niall trails behind Liam who's dragging Louis and Zayn along the walkways. The blond watches Harry fumble aimlessly with the keycard before it clicks and they all spill through the doorway.

The mob quickly collapse onto the nearest couch and Niall settles into one of the armchairs, gladly taking a second to let the fondness wash over him at the sight of them. Liam's got Louis leaning on one shoulder and Zayn's head in his lap, carding through the dark hair as the other boy drapes his legs over the end of the sofa and drifts off. Harry had slipped off to the bathroom, but soon plops down to slowly rub Louis' back from beside him.

Louis seems to settle easily with Harry's warmth beside him and the older boy let's his eyes slip shut.

Niall starts to feel the twinge in his heart again and looks away, picking at his fingernails. He feels like a stranger who's encroaching on a private moment. No one else seems to mind his presence, but nevertheless he takes his first chance to skip out as quietly as possible. Perhaps giving the boys space will let them time to settle.

***

Now, let's not be wrong here, Harry had been terribly content to watch Louis and Zayn drift off before he and Liam would inevitably have to shift the two to a bed, but when he hears the hotel door click shut from across the room and flicks his eyes up to reveal a missing band member, he knows the night is far from over.

Glancing over at Liam he sees the other is fixed on the doorway, concern flashing through his rich, chestnut eyes.

Harry runs his hand along Louis' back once more before shifting the other to lay against the arm rest and picking himself up from the couch, Liam's eyes flicking from the door to watch the movement.

"I'll go after him, Li. Don't worry," he smiles gently at the other lad who doesn't look reassured in the slightest.

Liam shakes his head and looks down slightly. "I just worry about him, Haz. He's not eating properly, you know."

And Harry did know. He'd watched their normally overzealous, bubbly Irishman skip out on meals far too many times this week. It was a miracle that Zayn had gotten the boy out of his bunk for lunch yesterday.

"I was thinking we could get Zee to talk to him about it again, yeah?" Harry looks at Liam hopefully. "He did manage to get Niall out for some food yesterday."

Liam nods, thoughtful. "Lad wouldn't have come out if the Queen sat down, but god forbid Zayn ask him to do anything."

This draws a chuckle from both lads, jarring Zayn from his slumber with a groan. Harry smiles fondly as the lad tries to grapple onto consciousness, attempting to sit up, only to drop his head back onto Liam, shutting his eyes and mumbling something incoherent. 

Liam chuckles and returns to slowly running his fingers through Zany's hair to lull the other back to sleep.

A piece of Harry wants to stay here and cuddle with his boyfriends- his heart swelling when Louis stretches out, falling against Liam in search of warmth- but a much larger part of himself is worried for Niall and what the blond might be doing, so he makes the choice to head for the door.

With a resigned click of his tongue, Harry closes the hotel room door behind him and tries to think where Niall might even be. He supposes the roof is a logical choice for solitude, but all things considered that's more Louis' thing.

His second thought is that maybe he'd gotten someone to call a car for him, but Harry checks his phone and sees that it's far too late for Niall to even think of going out.

Pacing the hallway, Harry madly racks his brain for any location that he might find his friend. The only place left is the trailer, which is parked in the back of the hotel parking lot. It's worth a shot, he supposes.

He heads off to the back stairwell and makes his way towards the back door where the smell of smoke hits his nose long before he sees any sign of Niall. He follows after the strong smell and faded wisps right past the trailer and up to the crew cars.

That's where he spots Niall.

Little, Irish lad has foolishly clamored up onto on of the SUVs and Harry notices two things right away. First, the boy doesn't have a jacket on and yes, it's only just passed the warm moths, but there's enough chill to warrant something more than a simple t-shirt. The sexits thing he notices, and arguably the more concerning, is that Niall has a cigarette perched between his thin fingers.

That might not seem unusual, most people smoked these days anyway, but not Niall. Never of his own accord, at least.

Sure they'd all get together to pass around a joint once in a blue moon, but Twitter would fall into uproar whenever they caught Liam with one and while Zayn smoked often and Louis even more, Harry himself was just far too innocent to even consider doing it.

Niall had never seemed to find the taste enjoyable. Only bothering to do it if they were all having a night of it, so seeing the fragile, blond with one settled between his lips out of choice was rather worrisome.

Deciding it best to hit the nail on the head seeing as Niall was a rather blunt, outgoing person anyway, Harry sidesteps into the blond's view.

"Sneak that from Zayn, did ya?" He asks lightly, hoping the humor will jar Niall from whatever funk he's found himself in.

Niall shrugs, tone dejected. "Reckon it's one o' Louis', actually."

Harry peeks up as Niall takes another deep drag and climbs up onto the roof with his hand outstretched, plucking the cigarette from Niall's grip and stubbing it out on his shoe.

"Bad for you, Nialler," he says, tossing it onto the pavement below. He doesn't get a reply. Not even an offended noise of protest from the other boy.

"So," he starts, stretching the 'o', "are you doing alright? You've got Liam riled up, and all." His voice is gentle and smooth, hoping he can coax something out of the forlorn boy.

Niall internally groans at the soft tone and mention of Liam. Harry and Zayn are reasonably gentle with their worrying and if you've got Louis trying to mother hen you, it's pretty bad. Lad's got like, a billion sisters, so he's inclined to be concerned about you in an older brother kind of way.

But Liam is much, much worse. The boy just has to fix your problems and all that. He always makes sure you've slept enough, eaten, and if there's even any semblance of sickness there’s absolutely hope for you.

"I'm just a little tired is all, Harry. Schedule has been crazy," the blond mumbles, frowning across Harry and down at the cigarette that is laying on the asphalt.

Harry gives him a puzzled look. "You know, usually when people are tired they don't walk fifteen minutes away from their bed."

Niall nods, so badly wanting to tell Harry that the tired he feels isn't something that sleep can fix. He's emotionally drained, but there's nowhere he can go that the feeling isn't already.

So, yeah. Watching people fall in love is excessively heartbreaking, but there isn't anything to be done.

Harry slides closer to him, but doesn't say anything, not feeling like he can, so Niall fumbles around his mind for something to fill the silence.

"So, uh," Niall drawls, choosing to ignore the warmth coming off of Harry's long giraffe legs. "You said you needed some help with Louis' birthday present?"

It's a silly topic, but Niall figures it will distract Harry from whatever else the boy had planned to ask him.

Harry is silent at first, taking the time to shift his curls, hesitant to drop the focus off of Niall, but then he thinks that this is just what the Irish needs. Something to distract the boy and also an excuse for Harry to spend the next few days with him.

"Yeah! That would be fantastic, Niall," he beams excitedly, a good natured light flashing in his green eyes.

Niall reflects the action, a smile gracing his lips at the pure animation and infectious excitement that the other carries.

The blond watches with warm adoration in his eyes as Harry rambles on about why they're having the party so far before December. Apparently Louis always catches the surprise birthday party, so Harry wants to try and really throw him off by having it in October.

He's got a guest list already and a bar rented out for the less personable celebration, but he mostly needs help with the first part.

A puppy.

Harry's whole demeanor softens when he tries to describe the little dog. From what Niall's gathered, it's-.

"Absolutely the cutest thing, Ni! He has little floppy ears and his name is Milkshake and he's only a few weeks old, but he's perfect." The curly haired boy gushes and Niall can't help but be drawn into the mischievous scheme.

When Harry's finished he smiles down at Niall and finally convinces the blond to come back inside, seeing as it's late.

The curly haired boy yawns as he leads Niall back up to the room where they find three very asleep boys. They decide it best to leave them on the couch as it doesn't look like they'll be willing to move and Harry curls under Zayn's long arm while Niall drips himself to one of the beds.

It's an awkward goodnight because long after Harry hears Niall's breathing even out, he lays awake, trapped in thoughts of what if.

_What if he told Niall that he loved him?_


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love your guys' comments so much. They definitely keep me writing. Thank you!!
> 
>  
> 
> Xxx

Early morning has always been Liam's favorite time of day. He loved the fresh dew that would be splattered across the grass when he was younger, and the feeling of the frigid air on his skin.

These days he loves to make tea and sit on their hotel room balconies, though he prefers the terrace at home. He finds his small slice of peace with the dim lights and the frost.

That's why he was up before sunrise even though Paul had said that they didn't need to be heading anywhere till at least eleven.

That's why he was up before sunrise to notice the absence of one blond, very Irish bandmate.

Perhaps Harry hadn't settled the boy as well as Liam had fallen asleep hoping. Granted, he'd meant to stay awake and make sure that they both made it back safely. However, there's only so much gravity that your eyelids can resist and he'd drifted off unknowingly.

But now he's wide awake and entirely ready to go search for his boy. Or, not his boy.

Not yet, anyway.

He manages to slide out from under the pile of curls, cheekbones, and feathery hair without stirring any of those possessing either curls, cheekbones, or feathery hair.

Brilliant.

If he's going to be heading out in search of his friend, the next step is obviously to grab a quick shower and change into some fresh clothes because he feels disgusting. A day of sleazy interviewers, hairspray, stuffy rooms, and takeout has taken it's toll on Liam's hygiene.

He slips into the bathroom, letting the door click shut behind him easily.

What he hadn't expected was to trip right over something that was on the floor. He catches himself on the opposite wall, barely saving himself from what would have been an untimely meeting with the cold, tile floor.

Steadying himself, he whirls around to the offending object, only for his eyes to soften when they meet blue.

"Liam! Sorry, I didn't think anyone would be up," Niall hurries out, scrambling up from the floor to stand just as tall. He's got a tissue pressed in his hand that shoots back up to his nose when Liam notices the red dripping from it.

He frowns and is soon right next to Niall, checking him over. "Shit, Niall. Are you alright?"

Niall flinches back from the immediate closeness of another body and nods away at all of Liam's questions. "I'm fine, I'm fine," he shoos the boy's hands back. "Just the weather or something bugging my nose."

The blond steps far out of reach of Liam and towards the mirror to assess the damage.

Liam can't do anything but watch in silent agony as all he wants to do is help. He shuffles back and forth on his toes and heels while Niall tips his head back and reaches for some more tissues. He smudges some blood on his cheek, but doesn't seem deterred in the slightest.

The mother hen in Liam is insisting that he fix it. Make it better for Niall this instant, but he doesn't think that his touch would be quite welcome, so he falls back in wait.

It takes time, a couple curses, and many, many red stained tissues aimed at the waste basket before Niall turns back to face him, a light smile gracing his lips.

"I'll just go back to bed, then," he stretches out awkwardly for the door handle, unsure eyes flicking between the floor and Liam himself. "Leave you to your business."

It breaks another piece of Liam's heart to see the lights flickering out to dim in the usually sky blue eyes that Niall possesses. He wonders how long it's been fading and more importantly, how he can get the glow back.

He cocks his head at Niall who's still in the doorway, watching him curiously. "Are you sure you're alright, mate?" And that just tasted wrong on his tongue. How badly he wished to call Niall something softer and sweeter. Something that the blond deserved.

It doesn't register to him right away, his thoughts caught up in want and despair, but Niall has already mumbled some bullshit assurance and the bathroom door is halfway to the door jam before Liam has the sense to go after him, shower and sunrise forgotten.

"Maybe I could sleep on the bed with you?" He asks, cringing at the awkward tone of voice that stops Niall in his sock clad steps.

Yes.

Of course that's the first thing that Niall thinks. He so badly wants the warmth of another to melt the chill that has been threatening to destroy him.

But Liam is not his. Surely that's cause for some complications.

He's not sure he can hold his resolve with Liam's warm, whiskey eyes so close to his, but Liam had asked, not him. Surely that counted for something.

But still.

He turns back towards the bathroom entryway where Liam is leaning. "I'm not sure that's a very good idea." He says in the end.

And it's really not.

But Liam is dying to help the boy in some way. He needs something to show that Niall is still there with them and not lost somewhere they can't go.

"Nonsense," Liam chirps, flicking his wrist before whisking across the room and sliding in, under the covers. "Besides, there's no way I can make it back into that mess without waking someone."

The two both glance over at the tangle of sleeping boys on the couch and _oh_. That must be why Liam asked to sleep with him, Niall thinks. Not because he wants to, but because it's convenient.

At that thought Niall lets his resolve drop with a shrug and slowly, cautiously slips under the covers as close to his edge of the bed as he can. Liam frowns at that, but doesn't make to move closer.

"You'd tell me if something was wrong, wouldn't you?" Liam asks finally. 

_(You'd tell me if you loved me, wouldn't you?)_

"Of course, mom," Niall teases easily enough, but Liam can hear the weight in his voice. "But there's nothing wrong, so quit worrying."

Liam frowns at Niall's back, wishing he could read the others mind.

He's not sure why, (except he totally is) but he sighs and mumbles something that Niall can't quite make out. He's about to roll over and ask what Liam had said, but then there's something warm behind him and an arm is thrown across his waist.

Niall can't help it, he shivers.

"We're here when you're ready, Ni," Liam assures Niall softly before properly pulling the other closer. It was a long shot that Niall wouldn't launch out of the bed and Liam had been half convinced that the blond would, but as time passed Niall only let out a sign before settling.

Liam is going to take his victory for now, shifting himself behind the half relaxed boy and moving forward to rest his chin against Niall.

This is how it was supposed to be.

They had vowed to be a band of brothers from the beginning, and then, more than brothers. How had it happened that they were losing their best friend?

How were they losing him? What had gone so wrong?

Liam almost wishes they'd met under normal circumstances, in a life not so complicated. Perhaps then it would have all been put together the right way. With all of them, together and not like this. Not apart, desperately grappling for the piece that should make them complete.

He watches Niall's eyes slip shut with a fond smile dancing across his lips and thinks that he doesn't know enough about anything to read thoughts.

There are some days when he's so sure that Niall wants what they have, but then whenever they get close, try to show him that he belongs with them, he vanishes. The blond will run off to another hotel room, another bathroom, anywhere but where they are.

It makes Liam wonder if he just imagines the way that Niall looks at them and the way he’ll inch closer when he thinks no one is looking.

It makes Liam wish that people weren't so complex as all that.

He sighs deeply and shakes his head before closing his eyes and breathing in Niall's scent, deciding to let the first few rays of sun have their fate for the oncoming morning.

Because come day and come storm, the sun will rise and the world will spin on, regardless of what you want.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm trying to write in between classes for summer term, so I'm really sorry if this fic isn't as good as when it started out.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this has taken so long to get out. I've been a bit busy lately.
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone who has commented on the story!! It really keeps me writing.
> 
> Xxx

Niall is rather good at not talking about things he doesn't want to. Liam found that out two days ago when he'd woken up with empty arms and a missing band mate.

He knows that everyone thinks Zayn is the secretive one, and that's not untrue. Zayn is a quiet, old soul who doesn't say things just for the fun of it, but Niall is the real mystery. Liam racks his brain for the last time he'd had a good long talk with the boy.

He doesn't know exactly what that means for them, but he thinks it means that something has gone wrong along the line.

Liam thinks maybe they should talk more.

After all, communication is key in any and every affair, but humans rarely do what the universe thinks they should, not bothering to dip their fingers in the business of possibly nonexistent celestial beings.

Even so, Liam kind of wishes they did.

Neither of the two boys have brought it up since, and Niall doesn't seem like he wants to. Liam decides it might be in the boy's best interest to leave it alone until they have a minute alone, however much he hoped that it might have done something in the effects of comfort.

So, aside from the tension that falls between Niall's eyes, things have been flowing decently well between promo and shows. They keep up their energy and Liam is amazed that Niall doesn't falter once, not even a stumble in his normal routine.

But while Liam has settled to let his concerns brood silently, Harry, on the other hand, resides his worry with making sure that Niall knows they're still there for him.

At first he had thought that he could use Louis' party as an excuse to pin Niall down and maybe curb the blond's constant edgy state, but he was wrong. Sort of.

Yes, he was spending more time with Niall, which was cause for a celebration in itself, but he just couldn't seem to convince the boy to sit down for too long before the other would get up, some excuse on his lips.

It worried Harry.

Well, it was one of the things that worried Harry. There were other things, too. Like American politics, the ladybugs that could sometimes get stuck in window sills, and all of the abandoned cats that roamed London. Lots of things worried Harry, but he tries to only think about the most important ones.

Like Niall and the cats.

He knows he isn't the only one who's concerned for their bandmate. They've all talked about it anyway and he's caught Liam trying to shift closer to the blonde on more than one occasion. Not to mention, Louis is stuck to him like glue whenever they're on stage. Zayn has his own way of showing he cares. Like sitting in the bunks quietly with Niall until the boy grumpily concedes to have tea with them.

It's hard for them to not be able to just hold Niall until all his misplaced pieces slot back into place, but Niall is human of course, and thus a rather complicated puzzle. He's the kind you have to fix over time, not one that you can solve in a day.

And good things take time, anyway, Liam likes to remind them all too often. Like baked potatoes or for the seat heaters to warm up all the way in Zayn's hummer, Harry had said to him once.

Loving Niall was going to be one of those beautifully fantastic things that one rarely finds in life. They were just going to have to wait for it.

However, it gets much harder whenever Harry catches Niall's soft, blue eyes over the counter he's currently perched upon.

Now, Louis could give Niall a run for his money, but Louis' kind of blue was sharper than Niall's. Like a breath of fresh air that hits your lungs on early mornings. The kind of blue that Niall held was more of a summery, sweet blue. His eyes just seemed softer... or perhaps the Irishman was just tired. That was also a possibility that Harry tried not to think about.

Whatever it was, Niall's particular shade of color was making Harry feel bad for all the color blind people who would never get to see such a nice feeling color. It was driving him mad as he watched the orbs flick between different papers with various party related happenings.

He liked the way the color reflected off of the white linoleum countertops that Niall had in his apartment. Harry is considering talking to Liam about getting their counters torn out and replaced with white ones, as well.

He likes it that much.

Perhaps later he could ask Liam, but for now he simply takes another bite of his croissant and flips through their guest list.

Being at Niall's flat was a nice break from tour. They all loved the rush and the fans, of course, but it's nice to settle every now and then. Unfortunately they only have two days before they're back on the road for about two months, only barely cramping Louis' party between two shows.

They might have taken residence in one their houses, but any of Harry's or Louis' mansions had been too far away to bother going to, and it's not like any of them wanted to leave Niall on his own, so Niall had suggested they all just crash at his nearest flat.

So they had.

Harry had then convinced Zayn and Liam to take Louis out for a day, so he and Niall could cram in the rest of the plan.

***

There's a very small, but rather obnoxious part of Niall that keeps asking himself why he is helping Harry plan Louis' party when they'd all forgotten his, but he doesn't really have an answer. And for some reason he doesn't care.

Of course he feels like he should be bitter about something as big as forgetting someone's birthday party, but he just isn't. Maybe that's what being in love does to a person. Love is a rather bizarre, unkempt concept that he really wishes he understood.

Oh well.

He had enough thoughts to dwell on already. Best not to think about the deeper functions of such a complicated emotion.

Besides, Harry is a much better thing to think about. The lad is sitting up on the kitchen island with his phone in one hand and a croissant in the other. Every once in a while he'll shove the phone into Niall's hand, telling him that he needs to see how cute the puppy is again.

It makes Niall a little happier, and a little sadder every time.

oO0o0Oo

It's dinner time when Louis finally crashes back into Niall's front room, smelling of chips and city happenings, Zayn and Liam waltzing in behind him.

Liam makes a break for the bathroom while Harry slides onto the couch with Louis on his lap. Zayn, on the other hand, goes into the kitchen where Niall is still seated at the counter, all remnants of a party buried deep in a drawer.

Zayn sits down next to the blond and drops a takeout bag in front of him.

"We stopped at that Italian place down the way and there's like, a salad in there for Haz, but the rest is all yours," Zayn smiles brightly at Niall who finds it hard not to return the favor, a fond look crossing his features as he thanks his friend.

The dark haired lad claps a hand against Niall's back as he silently makes his way back towards the den, leaving Niall to dwell. He peeks inside the bag and sees the salad, organic and natural because Harry is a diva. There's also some takeout cases with various pasta dishes.

Niall slides the whole bag into the fridge for later before someone comes in and guilts him into eating some of it.

He's not even sure why it's suddenly become an issue. Usually he would have happily eaten all of the food, but lately he just hasn't been hungry.

And it's not that he's purposely skipping out on meals, either. Niall is not some high schooler who doesn't think they're skinny enough to be loved. He's actually been spending a lot of his spare time with their trainer and is feeling pretty good these days.

Niall simply isn't hungry and he doesn't see the point in eating just for the sake of eating.

For some reason that bothers everyone.

But as Niall has already found, the world is not a magical place and he can't read minds.

He sighs and swings the fridge closed when the light clicks off, telling him that it's been hanging open for too long before sliding his socks across the kitchen tile and back into the den.

Liam has apparently returned from the loo and is laying across Harry who looks particularity uncomfortable. Louis and Zayn look entirely peaceful on the other end of the couch, Louis scrolling through his phone while he haphazardly combs his fingers through Zayn's dark hair as the boy drifts off.

Niall hovers silently by the edge of such a domestic scene, unsure whether he's invited or not.

If he did go in, he thinks maybe they would all slide onto one end of the couch for him and they could have a movie night or summat, but he still feels like it's not his place, not something he should interrupt, at least.

And maybe it would be fine, maybe they would all enjoy having a lax time together. Like at the start, before they really met up with fame.

Before Niall felt like this.

That's when he decides that he doesn't want to have a movie night across the couch from them. He wants to have a movie night _with_ them.

Niall wants all the hair pulling, the kissing, the fights, the drama, the late nights out, the early mornings in, the afternoon naps. He wants his sad days to be spent watching stupid movies with the people he loves. He wants the bad days to be spent painting Harry's nails and cuddling.

He wants all the pieces that come with being in love. Not just the heartbreak.

And just like that Niall needs air. More specifically he needs space. He feels trapped in his own apartment and he has thoughts that just won't fit inside the walls.

He doesn't let his breath speed up as he launches off of the wall towards the kitchen, snatching up his car keys. Someone calls his name as Niall lets his fingers slide across the front door handle, but he lets the voice slide out of his mind.

Before Niall knows it, he's racing down the back roads out of the city towards nowhere.

The sun is setting and the sky is lit up with pink and purple, but he doesn't have the time to notice as his mind catches up with his heart and he pulls off at the first exit before he decides not to go back.

The exit takes him down to a lale where he rolls to a stop, practically falling out of the car as he searches for something to latch his mind onto. He steps closer and closer to the drop off, just so he can see the bright colors shining up over the mountains behind it.

It's beautiful.

The blond's thoughts are halted by the colors that mingle together and his lungs seem to find the air they so desperately need. Niall's eyes flick back and forth over the mountains, the lake, all of the earth shattering perfectness. But even with all of the beauty, his mind is drawn back to the pain and he wonders if the boys feel anything when they're apart the same way that he does.

Niall hopes they do.

A piece of him wants to turn around and go back to the apartment, give up on this fantasy of unrequited love, but his feet are stuck like they belong there. Right there. Right on the cliff edge where he can feel the breeze brush through his hair and he can clearly see the purple and blue echoes of the sun reflecting off of the lake below and ahead.

It makes him feel... better.

As the sun slowly goes down farther and farther, Niall takes one step back, and then another until he's turned around and heading back towards his car. It's a much slower pace then when he'd gotten there because he doesn't have a need to run anymore. With nowhere to hurry, he takes his time.

He thinks he loves them. Niall loves them in the terribly orchestrated way. The way that makes you desperate for their touch, the way that makes you fantasize about the future. It makes Niall's heart stop for a second and he freezes once more, feeling his soul settle without the loud beating clogging his ears.

And Niall isn’t settling with not having them. He's settling with the thought that he loves them. With every fucking piece of himself, he does. No matter how many lies he tells himself or anyone else, he does. That won't ever change.

…

It's fucking nice to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this isn't the best flow, so please tell me what you think. I'm always up for writing critiques.
> 
> Xxx


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter!! Yay!
> 
> Ok, so, i've tried to put little asterisks to help with thought process stuff in case it was confusing anyone.
> 
> Anyway, I know where I want to go with this story, I'm just having a hard time getting there. Hence the long breaks between chapters. Hopefully you guys are still enjoying the storyline even though my writing can be scattered sometimes.
> 
> Also, thank you so much for all the comments!!
> 
> Xxxx

Harry thinks he's paced a sizable trench into Niall's hallway at this point, but he doesn't have it in him to stop the rhythmic steps as he calls said blond for the hundredth time.

The idiot had just disappeared hours ago and they'd all called and texted him for ages until Liam, Zayn, and Louis were all looking far too tired and Harry had shooed them to the bedroom. Liam had gotten back up at least 4 times before Harry had finally threatened to buzz his hair again if he didn't go to sleep. Zayn had cheered from down the hall at Harry's proposition while Liam grumbled his way back through the doorway.

The call goes to the answering machine again and Harry groans in frustration, tossing the phone onto the sofa and running sweaty hands through his unruly curls.

Niall often did trivial things without reason. Louis had brought that out in the originally meek teenager and whether it be curiosity, stupidity, or just a raw need to push the damn button that specifically said 'don't push', he'd do it. Things like this, though, serious business, never occurred without an excuse or a panic induced rush of words at least. But this time there had been nothing and Harry can't grasp anything that may have set the blond off like this. 

Perhaps he didn't know Niall as well as he thought he did. Maybe none of them did.

He sighs and resumes his pacing. 

Sometimes- most of the time, Harry absolutely despised the selflessness and anxiety which Niall possessed. The poor lad would never even think to talk to them when something was wrong. Worrying too much that he would end up bothering them, despite the reassurances that they all gave.

It drove Harry mad to no end. Simply wishing that Niall would let them help, let them fix it.

And they would do their best to help with whatever the issue was. Whether that meant taking a tour break, a vacation, hugs, anything he needed. The only problem is that Harry doesn't know. 

He doesn't know if Niall's just moody and tired, or if there's something really wrong. Wrong where Harry might stay up late just to make sure that Niall is still there.

It's not a feeling that sits well with him.

Eventually Harry grows tired of pacing down the hallway and drops into one of the chairs, rubbing at his eyes and sighing.

The Cheshire lad laughs a little bit thinking of this whole situation. He'd planned to coax Niall into some sense of calm and maybe, maybe get the Irishman to eat something and nap, but instead it's the middle of the night and Harry definitely doesn't think that Niall is even aware of the word calm.

Harry will have to try harder.

He doesn't know how much time passes, but eventually there's a click from the door. Light floods into the walkway and the curly haired lad shoots out of his chair.

The door slides shut and he hears Niall drop his keys onto the front table, but Harry stops his feet from hitting the wood floor in front of him, all thoughts of tact slipping out of his mind as he sees Niall about to climb up the staircase.

Fo a reason that Harry will never, ever understand... he lets Niall go. The blond skates up the stairs and into his room without even turning towards the walkway. 

Harry can't decide if that's lucky or unfortunate.

But either way, at least Niall is back safe and Harry can let a little ease fall into his steps as he heads through the kitchen to where his boyfriends are sleeping.

He finds them piled on the bed, Louis wrapped up in Liam's arms and Zayn against Louis' back, his fingers twined together with Liam's. It makes Harry smile something soft and sweet to know that nothing the world has done could ruin the perfect moments like these.

***

Niall could tell it was going to be a bad day just from the look that Liam had been giving him all morning. It was that damn mother-hen-we're-going-to-have-a-talk look. 

Niall hated that look.

He'd woken up after everyone else and breakfast was already made by the time he'd stumbled down the stairs with his bag ready to go as today they were set to continue their tour. 

The blond had managed to skate atop his clouds of eloquence straight through the morning and it wasn't until they were all finally on the travel trailer that he felt pinned down once more.

The trailer was easily large enough for the five of them to live in, but not when his four band mates were hovering around him all day. Niall figured it was because of last night and in all honesty he does feel a bit guilty for probably scaring them, but it's not as if he can fix it now.

The blond had originall tried to sneak back to his bunk, but Louis had begged him to stay and watch a movie with them. Against his better judgement Niall ended up folded into a chair while the tv buzzed in his ears. 

Then he'd tried to go to the kitchen for a drink and they had all immediately shot off of the couch to follow behind him. Niall couldn't take it anymore and he was finally allowed some space, the pack of them having slunk with their tails between their legs back to the beds when Niall almost- almost screamed at them for smothering him, and just because he'd randomly gone off last night didn't mean he was going to do it again. 

Not to mention they were driving at 60 on the highway, so where was he even going to go?

Of course now Niall was sprawled across the couch, face down in hopes of drowning out the noise that was going off in his head. Thoughts of failure and heartbreak swirling around until he couldn't make out anything else.

Sometimes he worried about what would happen to him when they all retired from their music careers.

With the four of his band mates probably married and off to some beautiful mansion in London, Niall wonders what he would do without their constant company. Even now he's barely holding his persona together, slowly crumbling away, only to be brought back by the small things the boys do.

Small things like when he stays at the house with them and Harry will force him into the kitchen to cook dinner and drink margaritas. Sometimes they make smoothies and Harry says that it's beneficial relaxing time, but Niall just enjoys the company.

When they first bought the house, Liam had made one half of their basement into a gym, but the other half was covered in cases of paint and brushes. Zayn tended to drag Niall down so the blond would play guitar while he coated the walls in bright colors. Niall doesn't mind at all.

Most of the time Niall wasn't really sure what Louis spends his free time doing. He thinks that it's a mixture of sleeping and being a downright menace. Of course, Niall almost always joins in on the fun and even though the blond teds to complain about the trouble Louis gets them in, he wouldn't trade those days for anything.

Niall had found that Liam's favorite past time was to watch all the chaos in the house as it happened. Like sometimes Zayn would be chasing Louis through the kitchen with a can of spray paint and Harry would yell at them for messing up his dishes. When Niall isn't a part of the havoc, he likes to sit down and watch with Liam as well. It's rather entertaining.

But all of that leaves Niall to wonder if he'll even be up to anything on his own. 

His doesn't think so.

Perhaps he'll go back to Ireland and buy a castle somewhere on the coastline. Be one of those "what happened next?" celebrities. 

He could get a dog and drink his morning coffee out on the back porch with the smell of the ocean. That sounds nice.

Niall is so lost in thoughts of his future that he almost doesn't feel when the couch dips by his head.

Hm.

It was Louis who's shoes came into view and Niall is almost surprised. The lad had never made such a quiet entrance, always one for the dramatics.

"Niall?" 

It's really a rather soft, hesitant tone that leaves the boys lips and at this point Niall is still a bit tired and irritable, but Louis sounds entirely fragile, so he just shifts his body up to look over at the boy. Louis has his head cocked sideways and Niall tries not to stare for too long.

"Yes, Louis?" The blond asks, keeping his tone smooth and soft, annoyance drifting back for the benefit of his friend. 

Louis slides closer and nudges their shoulders together. "You've got Liam and Zayn all riled up back there," he chuckles, nodding his head towards the hall. "They think you're really pissed this time."

Niall bumps his shoulder back into Louis and smiles a little through his lashes. 

"Well, maybe if you kids left your father alone he wouldn't have to shout." The air feels lighter in the room with Louis there and Niall doesn't mind the easy tone that comes naturally to his lips.

Louis laughs a genuine Tomlinson laugh that Niall absolutely loves and all of a sudden he feels that little pull in his heart, but the blond does his best to ignore the sting, smiling naturally when Louis looks over to him.

The smile dies down and Louis looks him over. "You look tired, Niall," The lad says, dropping his voice down a bit from it's normal airy tone.

Niall looks back towards the hallway and scoffs a little. "So, Liam ask you to come out here and have the parent talk with me?" There's no bitterness aimed in the question, but just so everyone knows: Niall is an adult. 

"Alright, you caught me," Louis plays it off with his teasing tone. "But to be fair you did drive off in the middle of the night and didn't come back till 2:30." 

Niall spins his head back towards Louis with a look of confusion. 

"How'd you know when I got back?"

Louis shrugs at him, blue eyes locked on blue. "Hazza stayed up to wait for you, said you went straight to your room when you finally came home."

And oh. That makes Niall feel so much worse about that whole situation. The blond groans and drops his head into his palms. 

"Harry stayed up all night?" He asks meekly, hoping he'd heard wrong, but of course he hadn't. 

Louis dips forward and tried to console the poor boy. "Niall, Niall, it's fine. Really. He wanted to."

But that wasn't really the point, was it? Niall is far too concerned for other people on his best days and Harry having stayed up all night just to see that he got home? That was- that was stupid of him. He never should have left. Now Harry is probably tired and it's his fault- and jesus why does everything always seem to inconvenience one of the boys?

The bus lurches to a stop and Niall is the first to shoot off of the sofa, startling Louis who had been trying to help him. 

The Irishman is halfway out the trailer door when he turns back to Louis. "I'm fine, really. Everything's fine. Tell the boys I'm not mad or anything," he rushes out, taking another step out the door and Louis can't help but think that no one has ever looked less fine then Niall in this moment. 

"I'll just- I'll be back."

And then Niall was gone.

Again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feel free to give any feedback and stuff about the story. I'm certainly not the best writer, but I enjoy it as a pastime and I like to share it with you guys.
> 
> Thanks for being patient and sticking with me!!
> 
> Xxxx


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m still alive.
> 
> Brilliant.

For someone who runs away so often, Niall really feels like he should have more stamina than this, but he’s out of breath before he gets far. It probably has more to do with the panic edging at his lungs rather than a lack of energy, but fuck that anyway.

He stumbles around a corner and runs head first into Paul.

The concern that flashes in the older man’s eyes almost makes Niall double back before words can leave the other’s lips, but a tight grip simply pushes him down onto the nearest sofa and with a hand on his back, Paul runs Niall through his breathing exercises. The blond easily follows along with the ins and outs that are muttered by Paul, his breath only catching every once in a while. 

Niall really does appreciate the help, though he doesn’t think that this specific scenario was in Paul’s job description. But, after it had become apparent that Niall wasn’t suited for crowds, the crew had been briefed on how to help, just incase.

Maybe they should all get raises, Niall thinks.

Soon enough, the rhythmic counting stops and the Irishman finds a cup of water forced into his recently steadied hands. Lou is in front of him now, a toddler perched on her hip and a look that tells him he’d better drink the damn water.

He does. Albeit slowly, but he does. 

The woman doesn’t look satisfied until the glass is drained and she plucks it from his grip, dropping a still sleeping Lux onto his lap instead.

“Don’t wake the thing up,” she says gently, walking off towards Paul who had slipped towards the door. 

Niall watches them spare a glance at him before leaving the greenroom. He supposes the two will be having a chat about him now that he’s worried them, but the blonde just dips himself back onto the couch to lay Lux across his body. After all, there isn’t much to be done on that front anyway. Certainly there’s no use in pleading normality to the two after what they’d already witnessed. 

Niall leans his head up onto the arm rest and curls towards the back of the couch, shielding the sleeping toddlers eyes from the bright lights that flooded the room. He watches Lux sleep for a while; her steady breathing could fool anyone into thinking that she was always this peaceful, but Niall knew better. 

Soon enough, his own eyelids begin to droop for lack of sleep the previous night and his brain can’t find a logical reason to remain conscious, so he doesn’t bother opening them again.

***

4/5 of one direction were met with an accusing finger poked at their chests the moment they stepped foot into the venue.

“Whatever the fuck you did, fix it,” Lou says stiffly as the four boys peer at her with confusion.

A completely forlorn “What?” rises from their collective throats and Lou only rolls her eyes at the ability to remain clueless which the whole lot of them somewhere possess. Even Niall.

“With your Irish,” the woman grumbles. “Whatever is going on with him, you fix it.”

Immediately after that she points them towards the greenroom and walks briskly away as if they’re supposed to know what to do with that information. Which, they sort of do, but not to the extent that everyone wants.

With a wave of uncertainty passing over each of them like a tide, Zayn shrugs and leads them up to the greenroom with little else left to do. The dark haired lad pushes the door open silently and they all shuffle into the room one after the other. 

It’s a rather harsh “Shhh!” that stops the four in their tracks, Louis bumping into Zayn’s back as the taller boy stops abruptly. They all peer around Zayn and fix their gaze on Lux who is carefully seated in the sofa next to a sleeping Niall.

“No wake,” The toddler supplies with her finger raised to her lip once again, pointing towards her blond companion. Carefully- or as carefully as she can manage- the girl maneuvers herself off of the couch and makes a beeline for Harry. The tall lad scoops up the child with reigned excitement and, with a quick and pointed stare to the others, he promptly exits the room, giggles following the two far down the hallway.

This still leaves three, who all spin back to gaze at their friend that somehow remains undisturbed on the sofa. 

“Should we...” Zayn trails off quietly, not bothering to finish his sentence as he isn’t even a hundred percent sure what he had planned to say.

“We’ve got to leave him be,” Liam sighs defeatedly. “Poor lad needs to rest and he certainly doesn’t want us crowding him anymore today.” The words ring true through their ears as much as Louis and Zayn want to deny it.

One by one they trail back out of the room with a feeling of discontentment dragging their feet down as they go. Louis flicks the light switch by the door, dimming down the beams that would have surely bothered the blond upon awakening.

It was the least he could do.

***

It was long past dark by the time Niall emerged from the greenroom. Eyes glazed over and hair disheveled, yet still perfect to Harry who was sat across the styling room. 

Niall stretched his arms out and yawned, eyes scanning the area for the usual hustle and bustle of the crew as they prepared for tomorrow’s show. Eventually his eyes landed on Harry, the only soul left in the building, or at least in sight. Though, the noises coming from the stage told Niall that at least part of the crew was still there.

The curly haired lad smiled lazily at Niall in hopes of staving off any oncoming guilt that may have remained with the poor boy, despite it being unnecessary. The blond barely smiled back before shuffling over, rubbing his tired eyes as he went.

“How you feeling, Ni?” Harry asked sweetly, green eyes meeting Niall’s blue ones as the blonde appeared in front of him. 

The soft tone met Niall’s ears and flowed into his sated out mind like creamer into black coffee. It all made the still sleep hazed boy feel a bit dizzy. 

Niall casts another glance around the room before answering. “Good, ‘m good,” he says. “Got a bit of headache though.”

Harry frowns at that, feet already moving towards the blond, prepared to drag the other off in search of some painkillers. 

“Wait, Harry.” Niall says, a bit flustered now that the curly haired lad is inches away, his fingers inching closer to Niall’s arm. “I- I wanted to apologize for keeping you up last night. I really didn’t mean to worry you,” he finishes, taking a step backwards.

Harry sighs something depressing and Niall looks away at the sound, worried the other is just irritated with him by now. 

“Ni... Jesus.” Is all the warning he’s given before he is unceremoniously tugged forwards into Harry’s arms. 

The blond freezes, tense between Harry’s arms. He stands for a second, his mind still processing the rapid movement before he tries to back out of the embrace, unsure. Harry, though, is having none of it and runs his fingertips up Niall’s back in the most soothing manner.

Somewhere a wall tumbles down inside of Niall and he relaxes against Harry, stepping forwards and leaning into the younger boy. His band mate doesn’t say anything; just stands there and rubs his back until Niall can’t even hear the voice telling him that he shouldn’t be doing this.

That he shouldn’t even be here.

It’s longer than normal before the two step apart and Niall feels like his insides have been dug out and tossed onto the ground as soon as Harry’s warmth breaks away from his own. But, he’s good at deflection- very practiced- and suggests they go find the others for a late dinner maybe.

Harry lights up at the idea and skips off towards the stage doors, babbling about all of the places they could get their meal. Niall shivers at the cold that creeps up on him, but still smiles at the other from behind, relatively content. For now, at least.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has taken forever to get done and I’m very sorry. Unfortunately, my past few months have been rather hectic. 
> 
> One of family member passed away on Christmas Eve and since then the rest of my family and I have been adjusting to this change. This hasn’t left much time or desire to work on anything fun, but here we are anyway.
> 
> So, this chapter isn’t very exciting, but I figured I ought to get something out.
> 
> Xxxx


End file.
